What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 01.07.2025 10:36
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I don,t even have a pension.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
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So whats the point in blame.
I think the readers, may guess!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Is it okay for me to wear girls’ underwear?
I have no regrets .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
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(And it was in our own minds.)
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We were not on the streets..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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As i do to all so called friends.?
But, we were locked up after school.
One cannot live in the past .
Who then, do I blame.?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My life is so biszare .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She wouldn,t have been !
And i lived it daily.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Ive learnt so much.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I write beautiful poetry .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
What did i know ?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was seconnd youngest,
I had hoped to write a book about this .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
When she asked me how she looked .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Comes on , in middle age.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I will be 64.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Im still living with it.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
It was going to be , some day.
But ive been too sick for many years..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was scared of men, in general
So, i spoilt her more .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We all went to grammer schools
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He resisted the act ,that day.
She found it foreign!.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I was very sick at this time too.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He knew the spot.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She loved him until the end.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
This is soul school!.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was 9 years of age.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Put me off passion for life!!
I never cut or harmed myself..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I said to her
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I waited trembling.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
All the time i was locked up.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Why did i forgive my father ?
But it wasn’t much.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She was in good health!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She married twice! .
Would this be the day?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My family never makes their pension either.